17 Jun 2021 - Gendered Frustrations (not part II)
A few times since the initial "Gendered Frustrations" post, I have attempted to write a follow-up. It did net me the only piece of "fanmail" (a Discord DM) I ever got, which was nice. But the reason I WANTED to follow it up was because I still had strong convictions and evolving feelings towards the subject. Part of the reason I never posted those follow-ups was in part because those follow-ups got too personal for me to feel comfortable in publically sharing. But I think the more interesting reason, the other reason, is because I have yet to figure out some sort of resolution.
I know I have some kind of bodily dysmorphia. I don't like having leg hair, I don't like the minor clefting of my chin, I don't like having facial hair, I've begun to dislike this new chest hair that's been growing more rapidly the past couple months, I am not huge on my somewhat broad shoulders, and that's just off the top of my head. But the concept of a non-definite gender is difficult for me, and something I cannot really grapple with. It's overwhelming. I thought about some kind of "agender" association at some point, but even that felt like a statement. I don't want to make a statement. I have nothing against those who do, but I just wish to present and act how I'd like without being seen as weird or gay or whatever. The derogatory gay.
A lot of my anxiety as of late has been due to the fear of presentation, that I will never feel comfortable or satisfied in how I go about in the world. I fear never feeling comfortable in myself, whether that be outward appearence or my internal self. I got a good therapist baack in March, which has been a real blessing, especially considering he is free with my insurance so long as it remains video conferencing-only. He told me during our appointment today that I struggle with my ego, and the dissonance between my ego and superego. Though Freud coined these terms, my therapist thankfully isn't himself a follower of Freudian psychotherapy. Anywho, I have to wonder how true that is. Because yes, I worry a lot about how I am percieved by others, and there is a lot of tension between how I want to have mysel viewed (ego) and how others, namely my parents, wish for me to be (superego). But if it was all just perception frm the outside, why do I feel such insecurity around being myself even in private? Is it just my fear of expectations and presentations is that pervasive, that it can't leave me alone even in private?
I like going out, I really do. But I fear thatwith the way I've been progressing in my attitudes towards myself, doing so will proceed to become only more difficult. It's easy for me to regress to my highschool status of never spending time with people outside of school (except on the occasion Kétou wasn't busy), and just sort of shut myself off from the world. It feels like the easy answer, to just ignore everything and live a lifeless existence. But I want more for myself than that. Hell, I DESERVE more than that. Everybody deserves the decency of living a fulfilling life! But I worry that self-realization in life is a pipe dream for me, something else others can attain but I will never even come close two. I can count on one hand the amount of moments I felt truly contented and satisfied with my life, those sparing moments I didn't fear death. And it has been a while since I've felt that bliss of feeling fulfilled in my own life, not just some sort of escapism.
That's not to say I haven't enjoyed my life in a long time. I enjoy time with people, I enjoy working on my own passion projects and sometimes even watching anime or youtube. What I am saying is that without some sort of outside influence, just being able to enjoy myself or existing itself? It's been a while, especially since my brain matured enough to even have the concept of self-actualization. While identity and presentation aren't the only hurdles to that, they are the most influential to my life right now.
Sidenote: I felt it worth mentioning that my body dysmorphia is largely not an issue of the ego, or at least not exclusively. Things like my leg hair make me physically uncomfortable, and just feeling a beard on my face long enough makes me itchy, on top of being able to send me into a panic attack. On the flipside, as stupidly hard as my long,curly hair is to maintain, it also provides me immense comfort, like a blanket or pillow always by my side, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.