05 December 2020 - Planning a Big Finale
I need to do something BIG. I need to do something that really makes me feel like this wasn't just a waste of a year, because as of now, all I have to show for this year is a mediocre-ly put together website and getting into/staying in my relationship. Point is I don't feel that accomplished, like I have made much of a stride towards my future. That isn't to say I don't appreciate my relationship, because I do. This isn't to say that the website wasn't an achievement, because it has been and continues to be. But I don't think there is anything I have done this year that I can directly point to having moved me forward in my life. School? Dropped out of (almost) all of my classes both semesters. Driving? Starting to look like I won't pass it until next year, esp with COVID cases going up making it less and less likely my 11 Dec test date will actually happen. I'm not exactly sure what I wanna do, but I gotta do something.
What should I do then? A 12 or 15 page mini holiday comic book featuring the Sonic cast? A video essay about believing in g-d in a world clearly devoid of an immediately obvious higher influence? ("Immediately obvious" as in we don't have deities walking around and messing with people.) Or maybe just edit together a video game review because the scripting for that comes easily? Perhaps start that webcomic I've been wanting to for months? Starting, as in, putting out at least one episode/comic? I gotta have something to point to, to say what I have accomplished this year. I can't point to a web page that nobody wants to look at beyond a novelty.
I want to explain that while I am very happy to be dating Lia, I don't consider it to be "an accomplishment" bc that sounds like I have conquested her, like getting with my girlfriend was a prize to be won. It's not. It is a mutually beneficial relationship, a one-of-a-kind experience. But again, I don't want to be public about it IRL until I can, at the very least, provide proof that I can be with Lia in-person, as online romance is seen as "lesser" by almost everyone. I mean there are other reasons too, like not wanting my parents to bug me about it, but wanting to avoid judgement until I know I am leaving for her is a big one.
Look, I know I'll figure this all out soon enough, and who knows! Maybe I will be able to take the driving test and pass! I don't want to hedge my bets on that, least of all my sense of accomplishment and life progression for the year 2020. G-d help me.