23 Jul 2020 - Tiredness & Lack of Focus

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23 Jul 2020 - Tiredness & Lack of Focus- not as bad as it sounds but still not good

Development of the site as of late has come along... slowly. I have barely worked on anything since the last journal entry, even though I was working on it almost every day for the proceeding several days. Even though I wanted to focus on content before getting the aesthetics in order, I want to also make sure the aesthetics are, perhaps not finalized, but at the very least more than placeholders. Which means I need to learn more CSS, which means I need to study more CSS. I am easily distracted. On the one hand, I want to learn how to put together a site, because I think it is a good thing to learn. But then I also want to study how to play the piano. Both things are "in progress" I suppose, but I have trouble with focus, so sometimes I get neither thing done. Yesterday was a perfect example of this. I wanted to learn some CSS and I wanted to learn piano, but I couldn't make up my mind and ended up spending most of the day watching Youtube and playing Project Slippi (SSB Melee netplay). Not to mention all the serious things I need to take care of that I can't really publically talk about on this blog; school stuff, financial stuff, you get it.

Speaking of yesterday, I have no clue why I was so worn out by it. I ended up sleeping for about nine hours from ~3:15am to ~12:15pm. I almost never sleep that much. Not to mention I was on the phone with a friend for only an hour and a half, and I was too tired to call my girlfriend even nine hours afterward. It ended up working out because she was too uncomfortable to call as well, but that is a matter of coincidence. I shouldn't rely on coincidence. It was pretty upsetting that I was worn out after such little time. I have been a bit more social the past 4-5 days, talking to at least one person a day on the phone for over an hour, several days in a row. I think I became tired of socializing, and that sucks. Talking to people is cool, but I forgot I could get worn out by it because it hadn't happened in so long. Legitimately, I think it was the first time this year it might have happened. It wasn't the first time I had to take a night off from talking with my gf because I was tired, but those tended to be emotional problems on my end, not because I was "just tired." I might continue the social break today, I don't know. But part of making this other blog post is that I am trying to have a clean break from the past few days, especially from yesterday, where I was wholly consumed by lethargy and tiredness, using all my energy towards social activities.

Social activity isn't bad, but back in the Before Times(tm) I would hang out with friends maybe once a week. Then there was table tennis club which was effectively once a week. Oddly enough, it was almost an increase in time spent being social the past several days compared to before quarrantine. Mind you, I am still quarrantined. Point is, I wish I had more social endurance than I do, but I suppose my lack of it has made the transition to self-isolated living much easier. I don't talk with the rest of my family much either for the most part, as it often gets upsetting rather quickly.

I think part of 2020 will be remembered as what kind of person you were, like, "how long did you stay in self-isolation?" or "did you wear a mask or were you a r*tard?" Basic shit. USAian society is a fuck, and is fucked, but people are socialized to their culture. Nothing about USAian society says they have to be dumbfucks, unlike my essentialist sister, but something about this nation's society isn't condusive to cooperation. Everyone is pitted against one another, and cooperation is seen as "brainwashing." Individualism isn't wholly bad, but it seems the US is corrputed by "hyperindividualist brain rot," if such a thing even exists.

PS: I am a Doctor Mario main in Super Smash Bros Melee. I don't know why I chose this life of hell but here I am I guess.

Last updated 14 August 2020