17 Jul 2020 - Gendered Frustrations

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17 Jul 2020 - Gendered Frustrations

I don't get it. I don't get why it is such a big deal if men are feminine. I just want to be able to wear a dress sometimes for gawd's sakes! And still be a dude! But that's not how the world works, sadly. It's frustrating, you know? I just wanna chill in peace with my girl and feel cute, but instead I gotta deal with horseshit like body hair and showing shoulder being "weird" if it's not a tank top. It's really confusing what is or isn't acceptable either. Like, tank tops are unisex, but they used to not be, but the context for which gender can wear a tank top seems to vary a bit. Or maybe it's just me, the musings of a sleepy boi.

I cannot understate how much it bothers me, this sort of gendered limitation. Sometimes, I feel bad or guilty for how I feel. I know some trans people, and I know what I feel is different from them. There is this idea of "identity." By itself it doesn't mean much, but the way the self interacts with the outside world, this dynamic is ever-pervasive. I don't feel that difference within myself. I feel more like there are things I want to do, and a society which isn't very open to them.

What's more frustrating is how difficult it can be to discuss gender non-conformity. I like to split this up into three groups, going from least to most understanding. Group 1 is general society. See, in general society, even in places like the United States where the Enlightenment notion of self-determination is strongest, there is still a lack of acceptance. There is some degree of tolerance, but anything that is unusual gender-wise is often written off as "someone being a weirdo" or "gay." Maybe I am bi, but I don't want people to think I would want to fuck dudes just because I dress feminine sometimes. But it's also just a dismissal. A lot of times, something is written off as gay because it is weird. And that is the problem. There is no acceptance, at most a dismissive tolerance in many cases. Is this preferable to many places where violence or death is a threat? Of course! But I should be allowed to hope for more, no?

The second point I want to touch on is TERFs. Or as they like to be known as, "gender critical feminists." A TERF, short for "trans-excusionary radical feminist," is a person who for one reason or another dismisses or even excludes trans people from their spaces. Trans men are seen by them as "confused sisters," while trans women are seen as "dangerous cross-dressing men." Vile shit. I understand they aren't the largest group in the world, but their ideology can easily be spread and is often adopted by well-intentioned people. Also England exists, yikes. Point is, they too tend to have a very binary view of gender/gender roles, though unlike your typical mysogynist, TERFs tend to view things more like an epic battle between Men and Women. Cringe shit, very 2D. But what this means is that they have difficulty grappling with gender nonconformity, or at least GNC in the sense of how it plays into gender relations and relations with greater society. TERFdom is a complex, enigmatic, and often hypocritical ideology which deserves to be debunked by someone more educated in gender studies/sociology than myself.

The third point I want to latch on to is the LGBTQ community. This is by far the most accepting group, and one which I hold an overall positive opinion regarding their relationship with gender, but nonetheless I have my issues with how they treat gender non-conformity. For one, gays/MLMs and lesbians/WLWs have their own sets of tropes and archetypes based around genders. Butch lesbians, bears, twinks, what have you. In some ways, these ideas can be limiting of gender expression in a way that is a reflection of general cishet society, even if traditionally limited to LGBTQ spaces. A different rulebook with the same restrictions, basically. But then there is the issue of the "TQ." This isn't to say I have any problems with trans or queer people, far from it. But some people in these groups can have difficulty grappling with GNC people, both cis and trans. Highlighted by 2019's "egg" meme, I feel that GNC people are sometimes lead to feel wrong about themselves, even if well-meaning. Some people believe that if someone is GNC, it means they are actually trans and they just don't know it yet. It's even worse for transgender non-conformers who do view themselves as either male or female, as this sort of doubt of gender pushed by other trans people. Not to mention how much it complicates or even worsens their dysphoria. I've seen enough posts by trans men on a couple femboy or transmen subreddits having uncertainty or insecurity over their feminine traits to know this is such. There is definitely a transwomen version of this dilemma, but as I am not a woman, I don't know what this would be. I don't want to leave this segment on a sour note, as I feel overall positively on the LGBTQ handling of GNC, despite its previously-mentioned issues. One thing I really like about the LGBTQ space is the larger diversity of self-expression, even disregarding gender traditions, but also regarding gender expression. Also, I am glad that LGBTQ seems more open and willing to change on some of these things than other prior groups.

Again, all I want to do is be able to dress cute and wear feminine clothing sometimes while chilling with the gf. Or maybe sometimes dress like a lesbian, idk. I like flannel, and I'm not masculine enough to look like a lumberjack in it.

But fuck me, it's nearly 3am now. seven past 3am now.

PS: I would have talked about how much femboys/the femboy aesthetic is sexualized specifically, but this rant was barely focused as it is, I don't want to completely derail it by seeming like the horny police, when I'm not.

Last updated 11 August 2020